Too Sad to Function.

Lately, I've been very, very depressed. And I'm not even exaggerating. Not even a little bit.

Again, I am having troubles with my academics, my family, and yes, myself.

I'm afraid I'm going to fail Math again. I don't want that happening again, but it seems like it's inevitable. This time, if I get that failing grade again, I get to say goodbye to my beloved college. I know it's my fault, because I am not trying my hardest to learn what I have to, but I can't do it. Every single time I try, I just fail at doing it. I'm tired of trying, actually. It's futile, I guess, because no matter how hard I try, it just ends up with me getting disappointed with myself because anything I do always ends up badly. And so I just.. stopped. That is so unfair because I know people who don't even try, but they still end up succeeding anyways. Why wasn't I "blessed" with a great mind  like theirs all of which could answer math equations without needing a pen and a piece of paper? Why don't I ever get the upper hand at life?

Don't get me started with my family, though. They're the reason I turned into the trainwreck I am right now. I have been through much too much, and bad events still come for me everyday. At first, I was gravely affected. I tried and tried and tried to fix things. I tried fixing myself to handle whatever storm was coming. But eventually, I have just gone numb. Everything was too much. Misfortune was thrown at me one after the other continuously, that my mind stopped letting it out of my head. Before I even solved a problem, another one hits me straight in the head. All the bad memories just bundle up inside my mind. And because of this, there isn't a single moment that I don't think of suicide. I attempted doing it several times, but obviously, nothing worked for me. But, I am really depressed. I seek help, but no one really gets it. This is like being in a room full of people that you know, but you are still alone because nobody understands you. Nobody sees the real you. I looked for a psychologist, but I never found one, nor could I afford an appointment with one. My friends comfort me, but comfort doesn't really do much. Pretending to be happy about everything doesn't do much either. It just makes it worse and it makes me realize that I'll never be truly happy. I still go to school, attend classes like normal kids, hang out with people, but when I get home, reality strikes back. Whenever I reflect on how my day went, I don't remember anything about school. In classes, I am mostly preoccupied with the thought that I will just fail the subject anyway, so why bother. I know it is a wrong thing to think about, but I can't help it. I have low self esteem. I don't believe in anything I do. Nobody does.

I just want it to all end. We all end up dying, anyways. I am just hoping for death at a young age.

This is not a suicide note. This is a plea for help. It's pathetic, I know. But, I can't save myself. I just need someone who understands, and I am not talking about God. I gave up on the thought of Him a long time ago. I talked to Him all the time before, told Him whatever was going through with my life, thanked him for the good things, swore to never do bad, asked for answers on what His plans for me were, why was he giving me life tests, but never got a single one. I asked for a better life, but all I got was some kind of Cancer.. My depression just got worse everyday, spreading inside my body.

Mayday, mayday. This is an emergency.

It's More than Just a Show.

When was the last time you felt truly alive? The last time you felt like you truly belonged somewhere? The last time you felt you were worth for something? The last time you felt that all your worries were gone even for just a little while?

I could answer these four questions without even thinking. When was the last time? During a concert, of course.

Last February 2012, I started going to shows and concerts. I was a fan of many artists and bands long before that, but it was only last year, my senior year, when I was allowed to attend them. At first, I was scared to go to concerts, since I barely knew people in real life who had the same music taste as me. I only had online friends to talk to when it came to the topic. And I never actually met them personally.

And so, I was really nervous the day of attending my first show, since I will meet most of my online friends that day, and it will be our first meet-up of a sort. But then, all my worries were gone when I finally met them. I was, surprisingly, happy and worry-free. I trusted them. Even if it was the first time I saw them in flesh, that doesn't take away the fact that I trusted these people with my secrets, and they trusted me with theirs. I think they even know me better than people who I'm friends with in real life. So, I hung out with them before the show just like old friends. And I knew immediately, these people were bound to be my good friends for a long, long time.

Meeting The Summer Set. Sigh. I miss them. 

That day, I also met my most favorite band in the whole world. The Summer Set. Yeah, I'd bet most of you had never heard of such band. But that doesn't take away the fact that they make great music, and the fact they're also great people. I gave them a gift, an artwork that I made myself just for them. I got the chance to hug them, and with each hug, I was thanking them. They were my therapy. They're part of the people I could truly call my heroes. And I loved them with all my heart. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, meeting my favorite band, and being able to thank them for whatever things they've done for my life.

And so, the waiting was over. The concert started. There were screaming. Girls and even boys were screaming everywhere even if the venue was in the middle of a mall. No one was ashamed. And I found myself screaming my heart out, too. Love was radiating all over the crowd. I felt it. I felt that every one of us present in the crowd were there for the same reason and for the same love for the bands and artists who saved many teenage lives.

Everyone was singing along, everyone kept shouting the names of their favorite band members. Many people were even crying out of happiness. And I was part of that amazing moment. I felt infinite. And because of attending my first show, concerts became part of my lifestyle. It became the cure to my emotional sickness.

I attended many other shows in 2012, and I was happy during every single one. LIV5 featuring the (A+ Dropouts, The Summer Set,, The Maine, We The Kings, Avenged Sevenfold, The Cab, We Are The In Crowd/Set Your Goals/This Century, Joe Jonas, and finally, The Jonas Brothers. Yes, my first band obsession.

Concerts aren't a waste of money. Really. Try going to one.. And you'll know what I mean.

Define Love.

Nowadays, people have a way too shallow meaning for love. They find someone attractive, meet them once, and poof. They call it love already. And, I'm pretty pissed about that. Because love's a precious thing, it's really special, and it shouldn't be mistaken with trivial things like crushes or infatuation.

I won't lie, though. When I felt that I liked someone before, for the first time, I thought I was in love. It was a puppy love sort of thing, nothing to be serious about, but I took it pretty bad. For many times, I cried over boys who didn't even care about me, because I never really showed them how I felt. I kept all my feelings  all bundled up inside, I kept waiting for the right time to tell them, but the time never came. I was either too coward to tell them, or I was ready to admit my feelings, but it's too late for me for they're already with someone else. It sucks, I know. But, I learned from my so-called heartbreaks, all from my failed attempts at liking someone very much, but never telling them that I liked them.

I don't really consider all my past heartbreaks as a result of loving someone gone wrong. I don't believe that I really ever loved someone. Yes, I cried over them, felt happy whenever I see them, but I don't believe that I loved them. I mean, I can't even look straight to their eyes, for crying out loud. I always tend to shy away whenever they're near me, or hide whenever they get too close. Call me a dweeb, but that's just how it was. I never got to be in touch with my feelings, I was confused the whole time, and that, I believe, is a sign that it wasn't really love. Love should never confuse you, because once you feel love, everything will be clear, no second thoughts. Cliche, this may sound, but I believe that when love comes knocking, we should always accept it because love doesn't really come to you everyday.

I remember my friend, he said that it's not love if you don't see a future with them. He'll hate me for saying this, but I thought he was wrong. Sometimes, you do see a future with the people you like. But, it's just not happening because you never really do anything about it. Gah, this is confusing, I can't really put it into words properly. But, I know you've heard of daydreams, and that's sort of the case.

Let me tell you a story.

Hello, you. You made me smile.

There's this guy, who's from my course, and I liked him the first time I laid my eyes on him. I saw his name on a list of freshmen from my course posted on a Facebook group. I Google-d everyone on the list, but, surprisingly, when I came by his profile, I stopped on my tracks. My reason? Ugh, he's so cute. But, I fought the urge to add him up because it's not really ladylike to add someone first because you found them cute. And this may sound stupid, but I thought of fate. If fate wanted us to meet, he'll add me up, and he will talk to me. And I was right, he added me up on Facebook, and he talked to me. Ohmygod. When his chat box came up, I had a fan girl moment. But I gave him steady and normal replies. I don't really like giving myself away too soon. But, I found out a lot about him after chatting with him for a few times. And that made me like him more. I really liked the guy, and I never even met him, then. Someone shouts inside my head, "You whore!" 

When that was over, I looked forward to meeting him. But when our first meeting came up, we never really met. It happened when I was in line for advanced registration for college, I was late, and I had no one with me, and I happened to see him there, sitting in one of the many chairs in the room, but I didn't notice anyone else aside from him. Ew, that sounded lovey-dovey. Funny thing though, he was the first person that I saw  who was from UP, the first one that I saw who I thought I'd only see in my computer screen. Haha. Yuck. To make this story even more gross, two of my classmates were seating near him at the time, and they were waving at me for a whole minute or so, but I failed to notice them because I was too busy staring at the lovely guy seated near them, and I was too busy smiling like an idiot because of that fact.

It's been six months since that happened. You may think that by now, I should have already met him properly, but it never happened. There were a lot of opportunities before, but I wasted them all. And for that reason, I believe it would never be love.

I barely even know him, and I could never be in love with someone I don't really know personally. I mean, I know a few things about him, but I never got those information directly. They're always from Facebook or from someone he's friends with. They say he's fun to be with, but I would never believe it since I never really hung out with him. He's a great guy, but I could never tell because I never was around him for a long time. Pathetic. But, that doesn't really make me sad. I will forget him eventually. As of now, my feelings for the guy is still in the crush zone. And I don't think it would ever be deeper. I think it would turn to love once I really knew him. Like, really really really knew him, inside and out. I believe in that, at least.

It was enchanting to meet him, I was enchanted by a lot of people, but, I haven't found true love yet. But, I'm not giving up on it. I'm young, and I'll meet a lot more people in the future. Or maybe I've already met him, but the time isn't right yet. It's too early for that. I'll just enjoy my youth and just let love find us. Fate, destiny, serendipity, coincidence? You guys know what to do. Haha.

Someday, I'm going to find you. And you're going to find me, too. And I'm not letting you go.

Welcome to my Heaven and Hell, Found Right Here on Earth.

"There's no other way but UP."  I refuse to lock this in my mind,

but in my case, it's the only thing I have to believe in.

Honor. Excellence. FREEDOM.

These three are promoted by the Philippines' finest, the renowned state university, the University of the Philippines. Not bad, right? But to achieve those three things I've mentioned, every student must pay the price. And that price? No, it doesn't come cheap. It'll cost you much. After all, there exists a saying: "No pain, no gain."

I, for one, already paid the price. I entered UP unprepared, ignorant, and uncaring about what I would be facing for my first semester in college. I thought that I could just attend most classes, cut some, and get away with it. I thought I could wing my long exams, like in high school, where I didn't really study for anything at home, I just depend on "stock knowledge" but still pass every subject. It never occurred to me that when someone says that studying in UP is like experiencing hell and heaven at the same time, they're not kidding about it, not in the slightest.

I abused my freedom. I was an idiot to think that college would be easier than high school because I was independent of the things that locked me up before. In college, there's no need for permissions slips to get out of school before dismissal time, there's no need for my parents' signatures for my homework, in college, I could use my phone during class, play Fruit Ninja or something... Oh, you know, all those sort of things you never got to before.

To be honest, I forgot all about my limitations when I entered UP. There's too much to explore and find out about the outside world, I was too excited about my newly found freedom. And because of that I set aside my education, which was the main reason why I went to college in the first place. I forgot about my responsibilities.

G-17. My first pressure cooker in college.

Every night, I go home, almost without anything inside my head, because I never really listened to what my professors lectured about. I catch a few of what they are teaching, but I never really understood because I was too preoccupied with what was going on outside the four corners of the classroom. I was all about the fun, the getaways. What makes it worse is that I spend too much time over the Internet. I don't study at home, I just cram everything in the mornings of school. But, I still had the guts to complain about my bad grades, which were obviously my fault, and I am aware of it, but I don't do anything about it. I just complain, and hope that it would get better without doing anything... Which is bullshit.

Being in a bloc full of students who were in their high school's honor roll doesn't help either. Whenever I'm in a class with them, I just feel stupid. I feel like I have no business in class except to be jealous of their seemingly endless brain capacities. They're such fast learners that I can't keep up with their pace. Because of that, I just let myself fall back and watch them advance and advance and advance, leaving me behind feeling pressured that I should probably be as great as they are. But, I chose not to because I never really believed that I could. I didn't dare try because I thought it was a hopeless case, which again... Is complete and utter bullshit.

Now, where did these get me? Right. Nowhere.

But, they did result to my first ever grade in UP. Guess what? It's the infamous and dreaded singko. And it  was awarded to me because I performed terribly in my Math 17 class, which was very predictable since I  really sucked at Math ever since who-knows-when, and I could only regret now that I should've done something about it. But... I didn't. What a great and unforgettable first for me. Yay... Not.

If you're wondering about the second grade I received, it was a kwatro in Chem 16. Technically, I didn't fail, but, I didn't pass either. I'm bound to take a removal exam, and I will study my ass off for it, take my calculator to bed for it, and date a book for it. Really, I'm not kidding anymore. I don't want to fail two major subjects. I mean, who wants that? Not me.

Lesson learned. First semester, you were well played. Such a hard obstacle course, with so many mistakes and failures committed along the way. Second semester, ugh, just don't be too hard on me, please. I promised my mom and myself that I would study harder to achieve a good enough General Weighted Average so I could shift already to my dream course, BS Architecture. When it comes to that one course, I won't be shitting anybody anymore. I promise that I won't fuck up a single subject. Because this time around, I'm sure that I want this. I want to be an architect. Not a computer engineer, but an architect.

Hahaha. I should really get my shit straight next semester, or I'm fucked.

Never Forget High School.

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away,

and going away means forgetting."

High School. People call it the "best and most unforgettable phase in a person's life." Do you believe in that? I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I had fun in my high school years. I enjoyed it very much. But, I don't believe that it will be the best thing you'll ever experience in your whole life. I believe that you could actually go through better things in the future. And I won't let myself dwell and be satisfied on whatever I thought were the happiest moments in my life when actually, I could make better ones in due time. But frankly speaking, so far, high school was the best phase in my life. Emphasis on.. So far.

I miss high school.. A lot. I miss my classmates and friends, the way we are always noisy inside our classroom, how we share our food with each other every recess and lunch time, the way we laugh at the same corny jokes,  our hangouts every dismissal time at the school stage and canteen, and a whole lot more of the things we usually do when we were in school.

I was really close to my classmates. Most of them, I have been with for years, the longest was from Grade One until Fourth Year. Cool, huh? Because of that fact, it was hard for me to let them go. They were like.. My second family. So, I dreaded graduation very much even though I was also excited for college.

But, even if we were sad about separating, we also knew that it was inevitable. And so, after the things we realized after our recollection, we made the most out of everything. We all did very good jobs at making each other happy when we were together. And so when our graduation came, we all went our ways with smiles plastered all over our faces.

I miss my second family, but I know, our paths will cross again someday.

That Maroon school in Diliman.

The Oblation.  "Ang pag-aalay ng sarili sa bayan."

University of the Philippines. Unibersidad ng Pilipinas. Home of the Fighting Maroons. The number one school of the Philippines.

I started to hear college talks from people every now and then when I first came into high school. At first, I could care less and wondered why they are all fussing about college so early, but eventually, in my Senior year to be exact, I realized the importance of choosing the right college or university for a better future. Most signs pointed to the so-called Big Four which consists of the University of the Philippines, University of Santo Tomas, De La Salle University and Ateneo de Manila University. Many Seniors strove hard to pass the admission exams of any one of the Big Four universities, but most people chose to take on the UPCAT and try their wits and luck at it. My school conducted free review classes to prepare for the admission exams, but it mainly focused on the UPCAT itself which is said to be a pretty tough exam to deal with. That's when the UP fad started for all of us in our batch.

Many students became really serious about getting into the country's finest state university. That included me, because my parents said that I should get into UP because would be a great help to our family if I graduate from there. I have to admit, I am one of those people who thought highly of UP. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to a school with topnotch education for a low price?

Then, there came the dilemma of picking my choices of course for UP. Of course I knew what course I wanted to take, I've thought about it for a long time, and in the end, I chose BS Architecture. But, I still doubted what courses should I fill up the application form with because my mom might not approve of what I want, which I hoped would not happen.

And so, I talked to my mom about it and said that it's okay but she still preferred that I take BS Computer Engineering because she thinks I'll have a better future when I become an Engineer, instead of an Architect. That made me think.. Should I follow my mom? Or should I just put the course I think I'll be happy in? Then, a light bulb lit up in my head. I should follow my mom and make BS Computer Engineering as my first choice of course, and put BS Architecture as my second choice of course. I figured I wasn't smart enough to even pass the UPCAT or maybe if I did, I'll just end up with my second choice, never first. I thought it was a brilliant plan, the best I've thought of in years.

I took the UPCAT with struggle. The exam made me dizzy and made me want to vomit numbers because of all the hard questions especially during the Math and Science Proficiency parts, because those two are the subjects I'm weakest in. But still, I did my best to answer the exam accurately and pushed my luck to the limit.

After that, I applied for UST and DLSU. Like UP, I also put BS Computer Engineering as my first choice of course for DLSU because it is said that they're known for courses like that. But I made another decision that no one else influenced but myself. I put in BS Architecture as my first choice of course in UST, and hoped for the best because I wanted to study there, for they are known to offer a really good BS Architecture course.

Next thing I knew, I passed all the entrance exams, all first choices of course, and I was so happy. But the problem is, my mom said before that if I pass the UPCAT, I'll study in UP for sure. And I didn't really expect passing the UPCAT at all. So I was already prepared to enroll for UST, but yeah, it didn't happen because of my deal with my mom. Goodbye, Architect dreams.

Now, I am officially an incoming freshman in University of the Philippines, Diliman with the course of BS Computer Engineering. It's really nerve-wracking because I suck at Math and Chemistry. But, I decided that  I will try as much as possible not to shift courses. Whatever happens, I'll just do my best even though I don't like my course, for my family.. It's always for my family. I will try and finish this course, to try to graduate in this course, in the best way I can..

So help me God.

The End.

"Is anybody here listening? 

When you gonna come and let me in?"

Happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, outspoken, cheerful, optimistic, friendly and loud. Let's just say that.. People often describe me with these seven words, and if I were to state my opinion publicly, I'd say that they couldn't be any more right.

But, I am more than those seven words. Only a few people know the other side of what I appear to be, and no, those people don't even include my family, not even close, I think. But I am sure about one thing, nobody really knows me perfectly, not even myself. Honestly speaking, even I get confused with who I really am at times.

Contrary to most beliefs, I am not always happy. I seem to be, but like others, I've had my downs, too. I'm just not too big on showing people my sadness. Call me deceiving, but I don't really mind. It's just that I believe that all the drama in my life are meant to be put in a blog like this, to be talked about with trusted friends, and to be forgotten eventually. I'm not saying that I don't give a fuck about problems, I do. I even had my days where I found myself going through too much that I cut my wrists for the satisfaction of saying that all of my misery was going away every time the wounds stung and that my problems will go away as soon as they close. It's a stupid idea, but I did it anyways. Going back to what I was saying, I just don't like dwelling on problems for a long time because if I did, it would probably define my life for as long as I live. And that's not the way I roll.

I have a very low self-esteem. I don't believe in my skills, I don't like how I look, I feel so small around people who seem like they have everything they wanted in life: beauty, talent, wits, money, you name it. If you knew me, you'd be surprised to see this because I appear confident.. But I am not. I have guts, not confidence. I have the guts to try my hardest but without confidence on what I accomplished. In the end, I still believe that someone outdid the best I've done.. That someone is always, and I mean always, better than me. I grew up living in a perspective where I'm always the loser, the ugly one, the moron, and the last choice of everyone.

I was born to be an Architect, not an Engineer, I swear it. I don't give a fuck if Engineering will make me earn more money when I graduate. I hate Math and Chemistry, I fail at those miserably, too, and those two pretty much make up the curriculum of Engineering courses. I know I'll end up unsuccessful if I pursue the course most people wanted me to take, but life's unfair, we all know that. I can't always get what I want. I can't always be happy in what I'm obligated to do. So I'll just try and "love" the course my family technically chose for me, the course I despise, for them. Lucky for them if I really learn to love the course, unfortunate if the course hates me back. But one thing's for sure, I will never give them the right to say to me that I should've done better if I fail the course, because I will do my best for them. And if trying my hardest isn't enough, I'll be okay with it, because I've reached my limits, and I know to myself from the start that I wasn't born for this. And if people aren't okay with it, then that isn't my problem anymore.

I could go on and on with things that people don't know about me, but it would take me a whole lot of time. So, let's wrap up this post with this:

From now on, this blog will be a way to express myself without thinking about what others would say about my feelings or my thoughts. This blog will help me put an end to all the heartaches that build up in my chest for a long time whenever I choose to keep them all to myself, to put an end to the memories that make it harder for breathing whenever I remember they cross my mind. This blog will be the end of all the negativity I've been keeping inside all my life.