Define Love.

Nowadays, people have a way too shallow meaning for love. They find someone attractive, meet them once, and poof. They call it love already. And, I'm pretty pissed about that. Because love's a precious thing, it's really special, and it shouldn't be mistaken with trivial things like crushes or infatuation.

I won't lie, though. When I felt that I liked someone before, for the first time, I thought I was in love. It was a puppy love sort of thing, nothing to be serious about, but I took it pretty bad. For many times, I cried over boys who didn't even care about me, because I never really showed them how I felt. I kept all my feelings  all bundled up inside, I kept waiting for the right time to tell them, but the time never came. I was either too coward to tell them, or I was ready to admit my feelings, but it's too late for me for they're already with someone else. It sucks, I know. But, I learned from my so-called heartbreaks, all from my failed attempts at liking someone very much, but never telling them that I liked them.

I don't really consider all my past heartbreaks as a result of loving someone gone wrong. I don't believe that I really ever loved someone. Yes, I cried over them, felt happy whenever I see them, but I don't believe that I loved them. I mean, I can't even look straight to their eyes, for crying out loud. I always tend to shy away whenever they're near me, or hide whenever they get too close. Call me a dweeb, but that's just how it was. I never got to be in touch with my feelings, I was confused the whole time, and that, I believe, is a sign that it wasn't really love. Love should never confuse you, because once you feel love, everything will be clear, no second thoughts. Cliche, this may sound, but I believe that when love comes knocking, we should always accept it because love doesn't really come to you everyday.

I remember my friend, he said that it's not love if you don't see a future with them. He'll hate me for saying this, but I thought he was wrong. Sometimes, you do see a future with the people you like. But, it's just not happening because you never really do anything about it. Gah, this is confusing, I can't really put it into words properly. But, I know you've heard of daydreams, and that's sort of the case.

Let me tell you a story.

Hello, you. You made me smile.

There's this guy, who's from my course, and I liked him the first time I laid my eyes on him. I saw his name on a list of freshmen from my course posted on a Facebook group. I Google-d everyone on the list, but, surprisingly, when I came by his profile, I stopped on my tracks. My reason? Ugh, he's so cute. But, I fought the urge to add him up because it's not really ladylike to add someone first because you found them cute. And this may sound stupid, but I thought of fate. If fate wanted us to meet, he'll add me up, and he will talk to me. And I was right, he added me up on Facebook, and he talked to me. Ohmygod. When his chat box came up, I had a fan girl moment. But I gave him steady and normal replies. I don't really like giving myself away too soon. But, I found out a lot about him after chatting with him for a few times. And that made me like him more. I really liked the guy, and I never even met him, then. Someone shouts inside my head, "You whore!" 

When that was over, I looked forward to meeting him. But when our first meeting came up, we never really met. It happened when I was in line for advanced registration for college, I was late, and I had no one with me, and I happened to see him there, sitting in one of the many chairs in the room, but I didn't notice anyone else aside from him. Ew, that sounded lovey-dovey. Funny thing though, he was the first person that I saw  who was from UP, the first one that I saw who I thought I'd only see in my computer screen. Haha. Yuck. To make this story even more gross, two of my classmates were seating near him at the time, and they were waving at me for a whole minute or so, but I failed to notice them because I was too busy staring at the lovely guy seated near them, and I was too busy smiling like an idiot because of that fact.

It's been six months since that happened. You may think that by now, I should have already met him properly, but it never happened. There were a lot of opportunities before, but I wasted them all. And for that reason, I believe it would never be love.

I barely even know him, and I could never be in love with someone I don't really know personally. I mean, I know a few things about him, but I never got those information directly. They're always from Facebook or from someone he's friends with. They say he's fun to be with, but I would never believe it since I never really hung out with him. He's a great guy, but I could never tell because I never was around him for a long time. Pathetic. But, that doesn't really make me sad. I will forget him eventually. As of now, my feelings for the guy is still in the crush zone. And I don't think it would ever be deeper. I think it would turn to love once I really knew him. Like, really really really knew him, inside and out. I believe in that, at least.

It was enchanting to meet him, I was enchanted by a lot of people, but, I haven't found true love yet. But, I'm not giving up on it. I'm young, and I'll meet a lot more people in the future. Or maybe I've already met him, but the time isn't right yet. It's too early for that. I'll just enjoy my youth and just let love find us. Fate, destiny, serendipity, coincidence? You guys know what to do. Haha.

Someday, I'm going to find you. And you're going to find me, too. And I'm not letting you go.

Welcome to my Heaven and Hell, Found Right Here on Earth.

"There's no other way but UP."  I refuse to lock this in my mind,

but in my case, it's the only thing I have to believe in.

Honor. Excellence. FREEDOM.

These three are promoted by the Philippines' finest, the renowned state university, the University of the Philippines. Not bad, right? But to achieve those three things I've mentioned, every student must pay the price. And that price? No, it doesn't come cheap. It'll cost you much. After all, there exists a saying: "No pain, no gain."

I, for one, already paid the price. I entered UP unprepared, ignorant, and uncaring about what I would be facing for my first semester in college. I thought that I could just attend most classes, cut some, and get away with it. I thought I could wing my long exams, like in high school, where I didn't really study for anything at home, I just depend on "stock knowledge" but still pass every subject. It never occurred to me that when someone says that studying in UP is like experiencing hell and heaven at the same time, they're not kidding about it, not in the slightest.

I abused my freedom. I was an idiot to think that college would be easier than high school because I was independent of the things that locked me up before. In college, there's no need for permissions slips to get out of school before dismissal time, there's no need for my parents' signatures for my homework, in college, I could use my phone during class, play Fruit Ninja or something... Oh, you know, all those sort of things you never got to before.

To be honest, I forgot all about my limitations when I entered UP. There's too much to explore and find out about the outside world, I was too excited about my newly found freedom. And because of that I set aside my education, which was the main reason why I went to college in the first place. I forgot about my responsibilities.

G-17. My first pressure cooker in college.

Every night, I go home, almost without anything inside my head, because I never really listened to what my professors lectured about. I catch a few of what they are teaching, but I never really understood because I was too preoccupied with what was going on outside the four corners of the classroom. I was all about the fun, the getaways. What makes it worse is that I spend too much time over the Internet. I don't study at home, I just cram everything in the mornings of school. But, I still had the guts to complain about my bad grades, which were obviously my fault, and I am aware of it, but I don't do anything about it. I just complain, and hope that it would get better without doing anything... Which is bullshit.

Being in a bloc full of students who were in their high school's honor roll doesn't help either. Whenever I'm in a class with them, I just feel stupid. I feel like I have no business in class except to be jealous of their seemingly endless brain capacities. They're such fast learners that I can't keep up with their pace. Because of that, I just let myself fall back and watch them advance and advance and advance, leaving me behind feeling pressured that I should probably be as great as they are. But, I chose not to because I never really believed that I could. I didn't dare try because I thought it was a hopeless case, which again... Is complete and utter bullshit.

Now, where did these get me? Right. Nowhere.

But, they did result to my first ever grade in UP. Guess what? It's the infamous and dreaded singko. And it  was awarded to me because I performed terribly in my Math 17 class, which was very predictable since I  really sucked at Math ever since who-knows-when, and I could only regret now that I should've done something about it. But... I didn't. What a great and unforgettable first for me. Yay... Not.

If you're wondering about the second grade I received, it was a kwatro in Chem 16. Technically, I didn't fail, but, I didn't pass either. I'm bound to take a removal exam, and I will study my ass off for it, take my calculator to bed for it, and date a book for it. Really, I'm not kidding anymore. I don't want to fail two major subjects. I mean, who wants that? Not me.

Lesson learned. First semester, you were well played. Such a hard obstacle course, with so many mistakes and failures committed along the way. Second semester, ugh, just don't be too hard on me, please. I promised my mom and myself that I would study harder to achieve a good enough General Weighted Average so I could shift already to my dream course, BS Architecture. When it comes to that one course, I won't be shitting anybody anymore. I promise that I won't fuck up a single subject. Because this time around, I'm sure that I want this. I want to be an architect. Not a computer engineer, but an architect.

Hahaha. I should really get my shit straight next semester, or I'm fucked.