Never Forget High School.

"Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away,

and going away means forgetting."

High School. People call it the "best and most unforgettable phase in a person's life." Do you believe in that? I don't.

Don't get me wrong, I had fun in my high school years. I enjoyed it very much. But, I don't believe that it will be the best thing you'll ever experience in your whole life. I believe that you could actually go through better things in the future. And I won't let myself dwell and be satisfied on whatever I thought were the happiest moments in my life when actually, I could make better ones in due time. But frankly speaking, so far, high school was the best phase in my life. Emphasis on.. So far.

I miss high school.. A lot. I miss my classmates and friends, the way we are always noisy inside our classroom, how we share our food with each other every recess and lunch time, the way we laugh at the same corny jokes,  our hangouts every dismissal time at the school stage and canteen, and a whole lot more of the things we usually do when we were in school.

I was really close to my classmates. Most of them, I have been with for years, the longest was from Grade One until Fourth Year. Cool, huh? Because of that fact, it was hard for me to let them go. They were like.. My second family. So, I dreaded graduation very much even though I was also excited for college.

But, even if we were sad about separating, we also knew that it was inevitable. And so, after the things we realized after our recollection, we made the most out of everything. We all did very good jobs at making each other happy when we were together. And so when our graduation came, we all went our ways with smiles plastered all over our faces.

I miss my second family, but I know, our paths will cross again someday.

That Maroon school in Diliman.

The Oblation.  "Ang pag-aalay ng sarili sa bayan."

University of the Philippines. Unibersidad ng Pilipinas. Home of the Fighting Maroons. The number one school of the Philippines.

I started to hear college talks from people every now and then when I first came into high school. At first, I could care less and wondered why they are all fussing about college so early, but eventually, in my Senior year to be exact, I realized the importance of choosing the right college or university for a better future. Most signs pointed to the so-called Big Four which consists of the University of the Philippines, University of Santo Tomas, De La Salle University and Ateneo de Manila University. Many Seniors strove hard to pass the admission exams of any one of the Big Four universities, but most people chose to take on the UPCAT and try their wits and luck at it. My school conducted free review classes to prepare for the admission exams, but it mainly focused on the UPCAT itself which is said to be a pretty tough exam to deal with. That's when the UP fad started for all of us in our batch.

Many students became really serious about getting into the country's finest state university. That included me, because my parents said that I should get into UP because would be a great help to our family if I graduate from there. I have to admit, I am one of those people who thought highly of UP. I mean, who wouldn't want to go to a school with topnotch education for a low price?

Then, there came the dilemma of picking my choices of course for UP. Of course I knew what course I wanted to take, I've thought about it for a long time, and in the end, I chose BS Architecture. But, I still doubted what courses should I fill up the application form with because my mom might not approve of what I want, which I hoped would not happen.

And so, I talked to my mom about it and said that it's okay but she still preferred that I take BS Computer Engineering because she thinks I'll have a better future when I become an Engineer, instead of an Architect. That made me think.. Should I follow my mom? Or should I just put the course I think I'll be happy in? Then, a light bulb lit up in my head. I should follow my mom and make BS Computer Engineering as my first choice of course, and put BS Architecture as my second choice of course. I figured I wasn't smart enough to even pass the UPCAT or maybe if I did, I'll just end up with my second choice, never first. I thought it was a brilliant plan, the best I've thought of in years.

I took the UPCAT with struggle. The exam made me dizzy and made me want to vomit numbers because of all the hard questions especially during the Math and Science Proficiency parts, because those two are the subjects I'm weakest in. But still, I did my best to answer the exam accurately and pushed my luck to the limit.

After that, I applied for UST and DLSU. Like UP, I also put BS Computer Engineering as my first choice of course for DLSU because it is said that they're known for courses like that. But I made another decision that no one else influenced but myself. I put in BS Architecture as my first choice of course in UST, and hoped for the best because I wanted to study there, for they are known to offer a really good BS Architecture course.

Next thing I knew, I passed all the entrance exams, all first choices of course, and I was so happy. But the problem is, my mom said before that if I pass the UPCAT, I'll study in UP for sure. And I didn't really expect passing the UPCAT at all. So I was already prepared to enroll for UST, but yeah, it didn't happen because of my deal with my mom. Goodbye, Architect dreams.

Now, I am officially an incoming freshman in University of the Philippines, Diliman with the course of BS Computer Engineering. It's really nerve-wracking because I suck at Math and Chemistry. But, I decided that  I will try as much as possible not to shift courses. Whatever happens, I'll just do my best even though I don't like my course, for my family.. It's always for my family. I will try and finish this course, to try to graduate in this course, in the best way I can..

So help me God.

The End.

"Is anybody here listening? 

When you gonna come and let me in?"

Happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, outspoken, cheerful, optimistic, friendly and loud. Let's just say that.. People often describe me with these seven words, and if I were to state my opinion publicly, I'd say that they couldn't be any more right.

But, I am more than those seven words. Only a few people know the other side of what I appear to be, and no, those people don't even include my family, not even close, I think. But I am sure about one thing, nobody really knows me perfectly, not even myself. Honestly speaking, even I get confused with who I really am at times.

Contrary to most beliefs, I am not always happy. I seem to be, but like others, I've had my downs, too. I'm just not too big on showing people my sadness. Call me deceiving, but I don't really mind. It's just that I believe that all the drama in my life are meant to be put in a blog like this, to be talked about with trusted friends, and to be forgotten eventually. I'm not saying that I don't give a fuck about problems, I do. I even had my days where I found myself going through too much that I cut my wrists for the satisfaction of saying that all of my misery was going away every time the wounds stung and that my problems will go away as soon as they close. It's a stupid idea, but I did it anyways. Going back to what I was saying, I just don't like dwelling on problems for a long time because if I did, it would probably define my life for as long as I live. And that's not the way I roll.

I have a very low self-esteem. I don't believe in my skills, I don't like how I look, I feel so small around people who seem like they have everything they wanted in life: beauty, talent, wits, money, you name it. If you knew me, you'd be surprised to see this because I appear confident.. But I am not. I have guts, not confidence. I have the guts to try my hardest but without confidence on what I accomplished. In the end, I still believe that someone outdid the best I've done.. That someone is always, and I mean always, better than me. I grew up living in a perspective where I'm always the loser, the ugly one, the moron, and the last choice of everyone.

I was born to be an Architect, not an Engineer, I swear it. I don't give a fuck if Engineering will make me earn more money when I graduate. I hate Math and Chemistry, I fail at those miserably, too, and those two pretty much make up the curriculum of Engineering courses. I know I'll end up unsuccessful if I pursue the course most people wanted me to take, but life's unfair, we all know that. I can't always get what I want. I can't always be happy in what I'm obligated to do. So I'll just try and "love" the course my family technically chose for me, the course I despise, for them. Lucky for them if I really learn to love the course, unfortunate if the course hates me back. But one thing's for sure, I will never give them the right to say to me that I should've done better if I fail the course, because I will do my best for them. And if trying my hardest isn't enough, I'll be okay with it, because I've reached my limits, and I know to myself from the start that I wasn't born for this. And if people aren't okay with it, then that isn't my problem anymore.

I could go on and on with things that people don't know about me, but it would take me a whole lot of time. So, let's wrap up this post with this:

From now on, this blog will be a way to express myself without thinking about what others would say about my feelings or my thoughts. This blog will help me put an end to all the heartaches that build up in my chest for a long time whenever I choose to keep them all to myself, to put an end to the memories that make it harder for breathing whenever I remember they cross my mind. This blog will be the end of all the negativity I've been keeping inside all my life.