The End.

"Is anybody here listening? 

When you gonna come and let me in?"

Happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, outspoken, cheerful, optimistic, friendly and loud. Let's just say that.. People often describe me with these seven words, and if I were to state my opinion publicly, I'd say that they couldn't be any more right.

But, I am more than those seven words. Only a few people know the other side of what I appear to be, and no, those people don't even include my family, not even close, I think. But I am sure about one thing, nobody really knows me perfectly, not even myself. Honestly speaking, even I get confused with who I really am at times.

Contrary to most beliefs, I am not always happy. I seem to be, but like others, I've had my downs, too. I'm just not too big on showing people my sadness. Call me deceiving, but I don't really mind. It's just that I believe that all the drama in my life are meant to be put in a blog like this, to be talked about with trusted friends, and to be forgotten eventually. I'm not saying that I don't give a fuck about problems, I do. I even had my days where I found myself going through too much that I cut my wrists for the satisfaction of saying that all of my misery was going away every time the wounds stung and that my problems will go away as soon as they close. It's a stupid idea, but I did it anyways. Going back to what I was saying, I just don't like dwelling on problems for a long time because if I did, it would probably define my life for as long as I live. And that's not the way I roll.

I have a very low self-esteem. I don't believe in my skills, I don't like how I look, I feel so small around people who seem like they have everything they wanted in life: beauty, talent, wits, money, you name it. If you knew me, you'd be surprised to see this because I appear confident.. But I am not. I have guts, not confidence. I have the guts to try my hardest but without confidence on what I accomplished. In the end, I still believe that someone outdid the best I've done.. That someone is always, and I mean always, better than me. I grew up living in a perspective where I'm always the loser, the ugly one, the moron, and the last choice of everyone.

I was born to be an Architect, not an Engineer, I swear it. I don't give a fuck if Engineering will make me earn more money when I graduate. I hate Math and Chemistry, I fail at those miserably, too, and those two pretty much make up the curriculum of Engineering courses. I know I'll end up unsuccessful if I pursue the course most people wanted me to take, but life's unfair, we all know that. I can't always get what I want. I can't always be happy in what I'm obligated to do. So I'll just try and "love" the course my family technically chose for me, the course I despise, for them. Lucky for them if I really learn to love the course, unfortunate if the course hates me back. But one thing's for sure, I will never give them the right to say to me that I should've done better if I fail the course, because I will do my best for them. And if trying my hardest isn't enough, I'll be okay with it, because I've reached my limits, and I know to myself from the start that I wasn't born for this. And if people aren't okay with it, then that isn't my problem anymore.

I could go on and on with things that people don't know about me, but it would take me a whole lot of time. So, let's wrap up this post with this:

From now on, this blog will be a way to express myself without thinking about what others would say about my feelings or my thoughts. This blog will help me put an end to all the heartaches that build up in my chest for a long time whenever I choose to keep them all to myself, to put an end to the memories that make it harder for breathing whenever I remember they cross my mind. This blog will be the end of all the negativity I've been keeping inside all my life.